well...

It's been a few months since my Momma passed away.... but my heart still hurts, I am going to try writing to get some of that pain out...





Mom developed breast cancer 7 years ago in May, and fought a tough tough battle with chemo, surgery, radiation and more chemo. They found cancer in too many lymph areas, but she stayed in remission up until last April... (or so) ... Last spring she started having some tummy problems..went to the doctor and they found her cancer had come back in her liver. And man was it aggressive. My parents didn't tell me right away--timing you know--first my birthday is in April, then there's Mother's Day (that's when we found out the first go round), then my family was going on vacation.. whatever, she told me when she felt strong enough to, when do you tell your kid you are going to die? There is no good timing for that. My parents told me the Tuesday after Memorial Day.... Numbness, then shattered inside, that's how I felt. My mom has been my best friend for a long time, someone I could talk to 'bout most anything~and craziness~she still loved me no matter how much I whined! Mom's are good for that, aren't they? I spent every weekend with her and my dad for the next few months, it was a spring that passed by much to quickly. I am thankful for the time we had together, cramming as much as we could into minutes. At first, as her time was drawing nearer, she tried to tell me that I shouldn't be there, my dad wouldn't let her, and kept explaining to her that we both needed to be there, not just him. For ourselves as much as each other. I had some extremely spiritual moments in the last few days.... One night, I couldn't sleep, had gotten into a little bit of a disagreement with my Poppa, and couldn't quit crying... it was very windy that evening too, and that kept me awake as well. I believe my mom's hold on this world at that time was pretty tenuous, that she probably had the freedom to do as her soul pleased. Gradually, as the wind was moving around the house, and thru the open windows, I had a feeling of peace come over me, and my mom's presence touching my heart.. and "not words" in my head, telling me that "everything was okay, there's no more pain, I am free free free, and I can move like a swallow". Mom loved the swallows, and there are nest boxes all over the yard for them.
Another time, she was sleeping on her bed, and I was holding her hand and a feeling of standing on the edge of something so vast and unbelievably big and all encompassing.. "it's bigger than you can know" .. came over me.. I swear it was like I was standing on the edge of a huge cliff or void. I truly believe that was mom telling me that she was going to be okay, and that she was okay with where she was headed, that it is an amazing place filled with love and peace. She also let us know that her dad and mom, my dad, her nephew Steve were all there waiting for her, so was completely unafraid of passing. She told me what she didn't like was the whole physical aspect of dying--the body failing, losing control of her mind, (which is why she didn't want me home when she reached that point)... I have to tell you though, my momma--full of beauty and love--died as gracefully as she lived. I sat with her until midnight, by 1:30 she was gone. I know this because I told her I had to lie down, else I was gonna fall over on her, sitting up falling asleep as I was... So I curled up in my sleeping bag at the foot of her bed--poppa was on the floor near the head of her bed-- I felt her leave, and not a minute later did Lizzie (their dog) come into the room and stuff her wet doggie nose in my face, and then poppa's. Then Lizzie turned and walked back out. I got up, checked mom and found her gone. So, I made sure poppa woke up fully also.. The moon was big and bright, and a zillion stars lit the sky on that early morning that we said goodbye. That was July 10th, 2009.

We had a Celebration of her life in September...it was bittersweetly sad... Getting to visit with people I hadn't seen in a looong time was really nice. Pam (Poppa's sis) took some really great pictures, which I will put up soon....

Momma, I know we will see each other again, but I miss you here and now terribly. I know also, that with time, the sharp pain goes away... ? I was listening to a song by Death Cab for Cutie.."What Sarah Said", some of the words went like this... "love is watching someone die..who is gonna watch you die?" ~ and how true is that right? ... you wouldn't otherwise choose to sit and watch death... love you mom.

**as promised some time ago, here are some pictures from Mom's Celebration**